Last season there were 285 NFL games in the regular season and playoffs, which means there were 570 individual team games. Eleven times, an offense managed to go the entire game without punting – that’s just 1.9 percent of all team games. The Buffalo Bills have done it four times in their last six games, dating back to Week 16 of last season. They didn’t play in their 33-21 win over the Patriots in Week 16 or their 29-15 win over the Falcons in Week 17. The wild-card playoff game against the Pats was arguably the greatest offensive performance in NFL history — seven drives, seven touchdowns, no field goals, turnovers, turnovers on downs or punts. The Chiefs ended Buffalo’s season in the divisional round, but it feels unfair to say Kansas City stopped Josh Allen—after all, Allen left the game with the lead and 13 seconds remaining. (You know what happened next.) On Thursday night, Buffalo opened the 2022 NFL season by crushing the defending Super Bowl champion Rams, 31-10. They converted 9 of 10 third downs, becoming just the fourth team in the last 40 years to complete 90% of their third downs. Their new player, Sam Martin, was paid to visit Los Angeles and keep some goals and extra points. She should have brought one of those frozen margarita mixers on the side. I feel like I’m being metaphorical or hyperbolic when I say the bills are non-stop. But they don’t bet. Again. For the fourth time in six games. They are more likely to not bet than to bet. In the first half, the Bills had three turnovers—strange, crazy stuff. On the first, Allen’s pass hit Isaiah McKenzie in the hands, but McKenzie couldn’t secure the ball and it was cleared by the Rams. Then, with the first running back of James Cook’s NFL career as a rookie, he tripped—amazing, because he didn’t have a single run in 140 carries for Georgia last year. Allen also made a legitimate bad pick, as Rams safety Troy Hill read Allen’s eyes and jumped the route of Bills receiver Jamison Crowder. Buffalo entered the locker room at halftime tied 10-10 with the Rams. But the Bills weren’t even crazy. They had given the ball away three times in 30 minutes of football and were level. “We weren’t really stopped offensively,” coach Sean McDermott said. “That was some of the talk in the locker room. We had stopped on our own.” The guys in the visiting locker room here at SoFi Stadium were right. The Rams spent most of the first half simply trying to contain Allen, playing the 2-high coverage that has become a league-wide antidote to the league’s many QB bombers. Allen was 17 of 20 before halftime, and one of the three incompletions was a drop. He made quick, decisive shots downfield with pinpoint accuracy. In college at Wyoming and throughout the 2018 predraft process, Allen was criticized for his inaccuracy. Now, he can easily complete 90 percent of his passes. (I was one of the guys who criticized him for his inaccuracy. If you have any good crow recipes, I’m done after watching Josh Allen for the last few years.) We expect the guy with the bazooka arm to win by blasting the ball deep and hoping for touchdowns? but did not throw a pass more than 17 yards downfield in the first half. Allen had unraveled the Rams’ defense, even if the halftime score didn’t reflect it. The Bills player, on the other hand, hadn’t solved the crossword puzzle he tried to do in the first half. (Thursday puzzles are hard enough!) Eventually, Allen must be tired of dining and diving. So he decided to run some dudes. After carrying the ball just once in the first half, Allen had nine carries for 49 yards and a touchdown in the second. You have to feel for Nick Scott, the Rams safety Allen bombed to the ground on that first carry. Von Miller, the three-time All-Pro defensive player who won a Super Bowl with the Rams last year, seemed happy to be on the team that doesn’t have to deal with Josh Allen. “He’s a creature,” Miller said in his postgame interview. “It’s a creature, man.” Determine what kind of creature he is by watching this play, where Allen scrambled and was stretched by the Rams defense for a touchdown. In his postgame press conference, Allen talked about the importance of sliding and getting out of bounds — which is funny, because Allen didn’t do either of those things all night. He just ran over the Rams, ran around them and stretched out next to them. Why slide when you run like you’re half man, half rhino? The Rams couldn’t stop Allen as a passer or rusher. So they got desperate and decided to blitz. It almost worked! But when you blitz, somebody’s going to be open, and Allen shows us that he’s going to find that guy, even if that receiver is 40 yards down the field. The Bills scored 21 unanswered points in the second half. Allen finished the game 26-of-31 with three touchdowns, plus the rushing score. He throws for accuracy, throws deep balls, runs over guys, makes perfect throws on the run. What the hell can you do to stop him? NFL teams have five months to figure it out – but I don’t like their chances. Meanwhile, the Bills’ quarterback has five months to figure out what the hell to do on the sidelines of those games. He should consider turning the kick net into a hammock, though he’ll probably have a hard time sleeping when his teammates are going crazy for touchdowns all the time.
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